I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
