I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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