Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Houston, we have a squirter
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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