I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
