Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
