I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
