Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Who wears a wallet chain?!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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