I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
and i looked up. we had an audience...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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