he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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