I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
