So drunk its hurt
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
