Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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