his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
