oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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