She is in my trunk
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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