its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
