i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
