Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
