either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
