Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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