I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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