i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
