so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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