i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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