can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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