I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
