i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
