What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
ttyl tear gas
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
