I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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