Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Please don't give away my fajitas
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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