We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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