Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
