i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
