my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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