My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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