ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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