I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
