I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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