my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
