I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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