Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
