dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
