How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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