I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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