dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
