you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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