I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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