You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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