True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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