Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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