i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
