my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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