You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
